


Why Do I Always Have To Be The One To Hold On?

by KermitSaysGayRights



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, How Do I Tag, v sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:01:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27012439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KermitSaysGayRights/pseuds/KermitSaysGayRights
Summary: Emily doesn’t want to have to hold on anymore.
Kudos: 8





	Why Do I Always Have To Be The One To Hold On?

It’s always Emily why does it always have to be her, she doesn’t want to hold on anymore. She’s teetering on an edge where she knows if she falls into the unknown she’ll never come back. But she’s always been _falling_ , never being able to escape the darkness that creeps in. —————————————————————

It’s always been “stay strong a little longer, Emily”, what happens when you finally let it all go? The feeling of despair has already wrapped its boney hands around her. It swirls around in her, leaving a bitter taste, it never leaves. She craves that little bit of escape when you wake up in the morning and you don’t know what’s going to happen. That feeling of blissful _uncertainty_ not the one you get when you bust down a door to find a dead kid. Certainly not the feeling when you have to leave it all behind for a gloomy flat in Paris.

_Dread_ has followed her all over the world, she’s tried to escape it but every time she thinks she’s out run it, it rears its ugly head. Emily Prentiss is supposed to be _unbeatable_ , the last piller standing but when they’ve taken your legs it gets harder to stand on your own. She can’t keep doing it, she can’t keep dragging herself to the end only to recoil. It’s hard to hold on when your hands have turned to ash, it’s harder to keep living. How can you keep pushing on if you’re met with the _unstoppable_?

Unstoppable, is supposed to be something to describe the driven, the powerful, the strong, it was a word people used to call her. Now it’s one to describe the force that keeps her behind her own _fears_. The fears that keep growing, taking over her dreams one by one, they tower over her, threatening to collapse. Her only escape is to fall into a blissful sleep but now and forever it’ll be plagued by nightmares. Her only escape has been over run by her mind conjuring up fear after fear.

She’s threatening to _fall_ again, maybe the darkness will welcome her once again. It only pushes her back, telling her to **hold on** once more. 

_ What if she can’t, what if she’s not strong enough? _

_ What if doesn’t want to be?  _

Why does she always have to be the last one standing, she can’t anymore. She wants to curl into herself, letting her body wither away. Every time she does, the beckoning begins, the screams get louder, the yelling becomes deafening. 

She just wants to close her damn eyes,  let her rest for an eternity.

_ Why can’t she close them?  _

“Stand taller, do better. You have to **hold on**.” The voices echo on and on, never letting up. They’ll never stop, they drag on, taking her with them. She’ll never get the peace she craves, she always has to trudge on. The harder it gets, the more she wants to crumble, the louder the voices get, they beckon her to ‘ **hold on** ’. 

_ What if she doesn’t want to? _

_ What if she can’t? _

_Why does it always have to be her?_ She’s already been weighed to the bottom of the ocean only to seep through the core of the earth. She’s been dragged through ever growing space. You’d think it’d be calm letting her fall apart, but it’s not, the air she can never seem to find is burning her. Her lungs beg and plead, she’ll never be able to satisfy their needs for she’s lost in an airless space. 

_ She wants to fall but what if she’s already fell? _

Emily can’t go on forever so why does she have to keep pulling herself through the mud? It’s always her and herself, no ones ever there to help yet they tell her to **hold on**. If she can’t bring herself to, will they do it for her? Or will they leave her to wither and grow into a state of peace? 

When she first began to fall it was panic and dismay now it’s just a state of being. Every once and awhile she’ll see someone falling too, they always yell and scream. Eventually they’ll except their fate and start to fade into the oblivion, never to be seen again. She wishes to do so but she’s trapped, doomed to hold on forever.

Maybe, next time she won’t have to hold on all by herself. Maybe, she won’t have to hold on for this long. Maybe, she won’t have to hold on.


End file.
